Belonging

เนื้อเรื่อง

Where do I belong...? Answer: Somewhere where there\'s no one.

Who do I belong to...? Answer: No one.. not even myself.

You know, sometimes i wonder.. how life would be like if i duno anyone at all. I always wonder who actually care for me. But everytime i can c that someone care.. i just feel so stupid and begin to think that i\'m not worth that person\'s time to care for me. i have people whom i decide to stick with. i have ppl whom i decide to push away. i always wonder.. wut if i had em the other way around.

i hav a friend. he\'s a really good friend. his mom would invite me over wen there\'d b an event going on. n i\'d be like the only friend that would usually b invited over. but i feel very glad n awkward. i noe they do it bcuz they want to. but i always wonder.. wut if.. wut if they just did dat cuz of manners? do i even belong here? isn\'t it just supposed to b for family? i\'m not even a part of their family, y do they want me wit em? do they just feel pity for me cuz i dun liv wit my parents?... i\'m just so stupid to think of all those. but i cant stop thinking em. cuz it\'s kidna weird.. on new yr\'s day, i went wit em to someone\'s home [dat\'s related to em, somehow] i duno anyone there. i ended up being the only azn. lol. but then n then they were taking pictures.. n i was standing n watching em. i didn\'t think of anything at the time being. it was just the four of em.. him, his sister, his mom, his mom\'s bf. so basically, it\'s just like a family pic. then his mom called me over to take picture wit em. i was refusing. i didn\'t feel rite to b in dat picture.. to show myself up where i dun belong. mayb dats y i dun like taking pictures much.. cuz i dun wanna b in the pic wit who i\'m not sure i belong wit.. or where i belong.. i\'m either confused or stupid. it\'s weird.. but then again.. weird is normal.

i also hav another friend dat i pushed out. but he did walk away yet saying our friendship\'s not over yet. i felt horrible for pushing him out. but really.. i dun think i\'m worth his time. he could find a friend better than me. actually, everyone can find a friends that\'s better than me. he said he\'ll c me again wen he\'s off from college. n i just wonder.. how true can a friend b.cuz i myself doubt that this friend\'ll b bak.n yea, the xmasbreak for me has long gone.. n i still hear of nothing from him. it\'s wut i deserve cuz i noe i caused this. i knew from the beginning, too, that this is how things will turn out. yet knowing that i wouldn\'t b happy, i did it anyway. mayb it\'s cuz i dun like being happy. i rather live in pain all my life. haha. i sound pathetic, don\'t i?

another friend dat i pushed out.. n took back in.. then pushed out again. but this time.. i\'ve thought for more than thrice thathe really shouldn\'t b wasting his time on me. he said to b.. \'u cant alwaysgo back n forth like this.\' however, i said \'no.. this time isdifferent. i\'v come back..n now choosing a different way. it will not b back n forth.. cuz i won\'tb bak to make the same decision again. i\'ve choose this way, n i\'m guna walk through it, no matter what.n i shall keep my words.\'so nowwe dun really talk anymore. just greetings n casual convo like \'hey. wut\'s up?\' n \'not much.\' used to b really close.. but i bliv ppl dun like to hearsomeone always whining about his/her life. but really.. wut\'s there about me for me to b proud of myself? i dun really c any.

n there\'s this other friend.. yea.. she\'s in college too. haha, i feel old.. knowing so many college ppl. she does seem to care but she\'s also usually bz. then i bgan to think she\'s bz.. n i duno how to look out for her.. she shouldn\'t waste her time on me but rather spend it on someone/something else dats worth her time. just not me.

then there r these questions...

how can anyone really like me when i detest myself?

how can anyone truely love me when i don\'t even love myself?

how can anyone bliv in me when i always doubt myself?

but i\'m guna look on the bright side dat i at least trust myself in making decisions whether for the better or the worse. things r as how i expected.. even things turn out to b unexpected, i still can turn it out to b as i expected. lol. sound confusing, doesn\'t it?

it\'s funny how ppl say they can\'t stop how they feel. [byppl, i don\'t mean everyone.. just ppl in general]n that wen they hav so much inside.. they would take it out. but it\'s different for me..no matter how much i want to talk a lot more n b close to these friends as how things used to b.. i can stop myself from feeling that. i can stop myself from getting wut i want/desire. cuz i will always keep my words.. i\'m walking forward n not coming back to make the same decision again.

but if i ever lose my words on that.. or someone can change my mind on datthen.. perhaps.. i\'ll b more positive?? hahahaha. which i doubt. hahahaha. =P

but really.. isaywhere i belong is where there\'s only me. i\'ve beenhanging wit many diff groups of friends/ppl. but i always hav a frown on my face npretend things r fine. inside, i only feel that.. \'i shouldn\'t b here. i\'mnot supposed to b here.\'

there\'s this song i\'m listening to.. it has a really good lyric.. it says \'a part of where i\'m going is noeing where i\'m coming from\' ...\'all i havto do isthink of me and i hav peace of mind.i\'m tired of looking \'round rooms wondering wut i gotta do or who i\'m supposed to b.\'i feel great listening to this n think about it. n i feel.. yea i\'m tired of lookingaround. i\'ll just bhowever i wanna b even ina room full of ppl. if i feel like sitting by myself.. then i\'ll sitby myself. i ain\'t guna bother trying to find ppl to talk to. wuteva.