I hate being rejected

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 I hated being rejected. And I tended to get that a lot. I was a curse. Maybe.

“She’s so beautiful and so nice. Who wouldn’t love her anyway? I’d love her too, if I were a guy…And it would be a very selfish of me if I want you to love me…right?”

I felt broken after I knew the truth.

I loved him. He loved her.

I should let him go. I knew I should.

The hardest part was letting him go.

For all these times I thought he loved me too and it hurt. It did hurt to know the truth he loved her the whole time.

What was I to him anyway?

Why did I feel so worthless?

It wasn’t that he didn’t love me made me feel unworthy it was the feeling of being rejected that made me be.

“I’m sorry” he said not knowing anything better to say

“Don’t…please…I…I get it. I’m just the substitute person anyway.” Came to think about it, I wasn’t even a substitute for him. I’d still get lost in his eyes if I were the last person on earth, I knew.

“Don’t make me feel like I’m the bad guy here” Oh, so it was my fault then?

“You’re right. And I’m sorry. It was really my fault. It was me. Just me. It was my fault to love you anyway. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s me who love you all along without knowing anything.” Pause became me. I felt a big lump in my throat about to burst out. “But thank you so now that I know it there something for me to fix here.”

I gave him a weak smile.

“I don’t want us to be like this. I hope you understand it’s not my fault I don’t love you. I’m just not right for you or maybe you’re not right for me. We aren’t made for each other that way.” He crossed his arms while looking at me with an explanative look.

“I know.” It was raining outside and we were sitting inside our favorite café. Such a perfect place and time to break up. “Do you know why do I love you so much?”

“I don’t know. Why?” he shrugged his shoulders.

“I love you because you’re my inspiration. I love you because you’re all my reasons to be happy. I love you because I don’t love myself.” I shed a tear.

“I just have to try my best to love myself more from now on then. Hahaha.”

“Sorry…”

“It was dark and raining outside. Can you give me a ride home for the last time please?”

“Sorry, I promise her I would come and pick her up after this.” I should have known better. Like he cared anyway. Hurt. For a hundredth time.

“Okay.”

“Bye.”

Just like that. He stood up and walked away. No love, no care.

Why did it hurt so much? How could this pain go away? What could I do to make it stop? Could somebody help me?

I was hurt.

Right. Who would have cared anyway? I was a curse, remember?

Months had turned into years. And it made me forget about him. I found someone new. He was completely an opposite of him. No looks, no fancy car, no blue eyes, no curly hair but he did care and loved me. I was damaged but he still could manage and bear with me. I was lost and he found me. He always found me.

Fate was a funny bitch for draw us to meet each other again.

“Hello.” He said with a grin. “How have you been? It’s been like 3 years right?”

“Hey. I know.” I smiled back at him. Not knowing what else to say. We were then completely strangers.

“So where are you heading to? Are you in a hurry? Do you mind catch up with me?”

“Umm…actually, I’m about to meet up with someone but he just called to cancel our meeting anyway…so yeah, I’m alright.” Didn’t know why but my boyfriend did call and cancel.

“So, it’s a yes?” He still smiled just the same. The smile that I fell in love with.

“Pretty awkward, huh?” he asked while adjusting his position in a chair in front of me.

“What?”

“You used to be the talkative one. I’m not used to the quietness of you. That’s all.” He said with a smile. Strange, it didn’t make my heart melt like it did before.

I smiled back at him and drank my coffee.

“I’m sorry.” I didn’t know what to say. So I gave him a weak smile and then I missed my boyfriend. It was really awkward with him then. I could talk more and laugh more with my boyfriend then with him.

“So, how’s your life?” I tried to break the ice.

“Life is good. I couldn’t ask for more or less. What about you?”

“Same.”

“I could look at you all day without saying anything if you want, we could play the staring games.”

“I’m sorry. I just don’t know what to say but I’m glad I met you anyway.” I smiled at him. There was a pregnant pause between us. He looked at me like he was expecting to say something.

“I wrote you letters. Why didn’t you write back?” he asked

“I moved a lot. I’m sorry I never received any letters from anyone.” Except my boyfriend’s

“That explains a lot. You were like getting out of my life and I was worried about you.”

“I was busy learning to love myself that’s all.”

“I was worried you would do something stupid.”

“I didn’t think about that. Don’t worry I wouldn’t do it because of you.” I smiled at him

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry for what?”

“Everything. I just want you to know how sorry I am.”

“Don’t be. And please don’t mention about it. I almost forgot what it was already. I’m happy now with my life and I love it.”

“Actually, there’s something else I want to tell you.”

My phone rang. It was my boyfriend who called to say he would come home late tonight.

“Boyfriend?”

I didn’t answer I just smiled at him.

“We used to talk a lot, you know”

“I’m sorry, but maybe you forgot. I don’t talk much with people who I feel insecure with.”

“Oh. 3 years are sure long time. Long enough to make you forget about me, right?”

“I never forget you. I just move on.”

“So you’re with someone now”

“Yeah. You could say that.”

“What’s he like?”

“Why do you ask?”

“I’d like to know. Is he good to you?

“Yes. He’s so good to me. He never rejects me. I couldn’t ask for a better person.”

“you’re happy with him?”

“Yeah. I think I love him.”

“You think?”

“You don’t understand that it’s hard for me to love someone since you. I was a curse but he’s like my breaking spell. Yes I love him. I am complete with him.”

“Well, I’m glad that you’re happy with him.”

“Hey, I gotta go now. Can we see each other again some other time?”

“Yes, sure.”

“Bye.”

Just like that. No care, no love. I’m no longer a curse. I now have my own breaking spell. And it’s the love that I want from someone else, not him.