พี่ชายชาวไทยของผม

ลำดับตอนที่ #4 : วันที่ยากลำบาก (Rough Days)

"Mm!"

"What's that?"

"Peace offering"

Bass woke up.

He tumbled to the left. Then shifted to the right. Pulled one pillow up behind his neck, then tucked another on his leg. He tried to face up, did a face down, but it was no use. Bass still could not sleep.

"I must have been too rough on him," he thought to himself. The scenario came back to his mind. Godt was trying to make amends with him, but he refused to make peace. "This is exactly the reason why you don't have friends! You're too much to handle and always have a need for sarcasm!" Bass reprimanded himself as he recalled what happened during their stroll around the city. From the afternoon madness of that day, his memories trailed a little further down his memory lane.

Back in high school, Bass wasn't always mean and cold. He was a ball of joy. Bass enjoyed companionship, wouldn't last a day without his friends. He was even an optimist at one point in his adolescent life. But there was one huge-ass secret Bass had always kept to himself.

Bass was gay.

He tried acting tough in front of everyone and pretended to have a keen interest in girls. He even managed to be in a relationship once with a girl. But the fake dating lasted only for 10 days. His feeling truly belonged to a guy. Bass had a crush on his male classmate Liam back in his senior year, and he carefully concealed it. But like all manners of truth, feelings are just too hard to lock away or bury underground. There were instances when Bass just couldn't help but stare at Liam, going so far as treating him higher than the rest. During exams, Bass would study hard and give answers to Liam whenever he asks for help. But for Liam, Bass was nothing but a mere classmate. And yet, like all feelings during teenage years, Bass’s heart for Liam was deep-rooted and naive. He just can't ignore Liam and his feelings for him.

On one group project, Bass had to team up with Liam and three other classmates who were also his closest friends—Ray, Lois, and Mike. Their group had to stay in at Mike's house for their Science Investigatory Project. Little did Bass know that three of his closest friends would prop a bait to corner him and make him admit he's gay.

Bass slept on the left side of their large mattress, next to Liam, then Ray, Mike, and Lois. Bass remembered how his heart throbbed immoderately, realizing he was going to sleep next to Liam. He turned around against all his friends and tried to shut his mind off to sleep. Liam, Ray, Mike, and Lois were still awake and talking. Bass ignored them as it was already ten o'clock in the evening. He could still hear them laughing and talking until sleep finally came to rest his tired mind.

It must have been an hour or more when suddenly, he felt someone lean on his back.

Bass tilted his head over his shoulder and saw Liam's head pushing against his back, almost reaching his nape. Bass’s sleepy eyes went wide awake, and he felt his heart was thumping wild again. It was beating faster than the last time. Bass tried to process his thoughts about what was going on. When out of the blue, he felt Liam press his own body closer to him, his head wriggling as if trying to wake him up.

Bass was confused. What was Liam exactly trying to do? Was he simply acting ordinarily? Does Liam always sleep like this? But what if he was trying to say something? What if... Just what if?... There was something Liam wanted him to turn his back for? All those thoughts raced through Bass’s mind endlessly in circles.

Then, out of the stillness of the night, he felt Liam's nose arching up to his neck.

Bas turned around.

He wanted to check what was going on. Maybe Liam was having a nightmare. So he got up on his elbows and turned sideways. Liam was there, eyes closed in deep slumber. Bass looked over to the other side and saw his three other friends sleeping already.

He turned his gaze back to Liam.

His eyes traveled towards Liam's face. There he was, sleeping soundly like a child. His cheeks were soft and supple. He had a beautifully carved nose that complemented well with his perfectly etched lips. His jet-black hair was combed to one side, and his brows were thick but charming. It was a beautiful contrast with his fair white skin. He also had long lashes in his eyes, and his mouth was partly open as if calling out to him.

Bass felt a moment of weakness. It was the first time he ever had a close look on his crush's face like that. Bass wanted to remember it for the longest time possible. For he knew as soon as Liam would wake up, he will never have the chance again. Bass laid down again, but this time facing Liam. He was still staring at his face, calmly wading in his pool of dreams. Bass was just staring quietly at his classmate's face until his eyes went drowsy again. A few blinks later, Bass drifted to his own sleep paradise.

In the late hours of the night, Bass suddenly felt puffs of air blowing gently on his face. Before Bass could open up his eyes, he unexpectedly felt a warm touch on his lips. It was soft... wet... but mysteriously warm.

He opened his eyes and couldn't believe what he saw. It was Liam leaning up to kiss him—eyes closed.

"No, this must be a dream. This must be my imagination playing tricks on me!" Bass thought to himself.

Yet he felt again, a breath of warm air brush past his cheeks. One hand was touching his index finger as their bodies were enclosed within their arms. Bass was drowning in a flurry of emotions. For the first time, he lost his better sense and let his guard down.

Bass returned Liam's kiss. That night on, everything changed.

*             *             *             *

"What?" Bass whispered in utter shock.

"I heard them over inside the classroom during lunch break... is it true?" said JC, Bass’s close female friend but on a different working group.

Bass was shattered into million pieces.

It was two weeks after the Science Investigatory Project Program. Bass never heard anything after their sleepover. Liam treated him like any ordinary day, as a classmate. In Bass’s memory, Liam couldn't seem to remember anything at all, not the slightest inch of any romantic interlude they shared that fateful night. But he noticed somehow from Ray, Mike, and Lois, that they seem to be giggling behind his back. Bass didn't mind it at first, dismissing it as something he must be simply imagining. Until today.

JC called Bass outside the classroom. She told him that Liam and his three closest friends gossiped around that they finally confirmed he was gay.

"Ray and Lois were laughing over their discovery. They claimed that you kissed Liam back when he tried baiting you with a kiss," JC addressed. "I'm a little worried since they were talking rather loudly,"

Bass felt a sharp, invisible knife struck him through his chest. His body went numb, and his fingers felt icy on their tips. JC went on relaying further what she heard from their friends. But Bass’s hearing slowly became deaf, like someone who was at the heart of an explosion and the piercing noise of the sonic boom made it hard to understand what was going on around.

"So, Liam was there too, laughing..." Bass thought to himself. JC's voice was echoing farther and farther away from his mind.

Bass walked half-consciously inside the classroom, and he felt all of his classmates' eyes locked on him as he entered. He drew up his gaze towards his closest friends, and there too was Liam, stopping altogether from laughing the moment he entered the room. Quickly, Bass grabbed his bag in the third row and ran away as fast as he could. Tears came down his cheeks as he hurried his way to the school gate.

 That day Bass fled the school overwhelmed with a broken heart. He never thought that his heart would be shattered into million, irreparable pieces by the same person who made it whole for the first time.

*             *             *             *

"Fuck!" gasped Bass as he jumped up on of his bed. His breath was panting as he tried to shake off the haunting feeling out of his system. Bass moved over to the edge of the bed and sat quietly. He clasped his hands over his head and rested both arms over his knees. "Fuck..." he lets out again.

It was a terrible nightmare. A nightmare that was sadly all too real.

Ever since that incident happened, Bass was no longer the same person he was. His bright smile no longer saw the light of day. Even his classmates, who always noticed his cheerful disposition in life, suddenly felt the darkness looming over his head. It was like Bass transformed into a ghastly dark shadow that would suck the life out of anyone who tries to get close to him. He was angry, hateful at extreme points. But undeniably sad as well. If there was anything that never changed in him, it was Bass’s consistent failure of hiding what he truly feels inside. Whatever Bass goes through, it would be clearly drawn all over his face. Since that fateful night, Bass no longer preferred anyone's company. He started avoiding people and chose isolation and detachment from everyone... and everything.

"I realized it's better to be alone. I learned to enjoy my own company. People, whenever they have even the slightest opportunity to enter your life, they only tend to get things messy," Bass thought to himself.

"Maybe moving to Thailand was better all along," he said to his own reflection in the mirror fronting the left side of his bed.

Bass stood up and slipped on his bedroom sandals as he walked towards the fridge. Nothing was there except for a plastic pitcher of water.

*            *             *             *

On their graduation day, Bass was all by himself. His father and mother could not make it from Thailand as they were caught up running the family's business. He stood there together with the rest of his classmates and did their part with the ceremonies. When the graduation program was through, Bass bade goodbye to JC. 

JC was—at the very least—the only person in class who did not rave over the joke. The joke that eventually encapsulated and summarized his entire senior high school life.

"Thank you, JC," he said calmly in a parting tone.

"You're welcome Bass!" JC replied mirthfully and gave him a hug. "Promise me to give yourself the sunshine you always deserve," she whispered to his ear.

For a moment, Bass felt like a tear was going to escape from his eye.

JC lets go of Bass and tap his shoulder. "I'll see you later at our farewell party okay?" she pleaded smilingly and slowly stepped back to find her parents.

Bass only smiled in return.

JC did not know, the class didn't, that it was bound to be the last time they will ever see Bass again.

Bass went home to his apartment and dropped himself over the couch. The sunset beamed from behind the curtains of his room on the 5th floor. Bass video-called his parents and told them about his graduation ceremony. After half an hour, his parents had to say goodbye as they were heading back to work.

The quietness of the room was overwhelming. Amid the silence, Bass eventually sank into a heavy cry after bottling down his emotions for the longest time he could muster. He let out a wild burst of scream and tears as he curled up on the couch. He crumpled the sheets of his throw blanket, trying hard to release the pain. The sun was still settling down, its last glimpse of light drawing closer and closer to darkness. The light hit up his swollen eyes, and Bass stood up to the balcony. He watched the sun die down behind the buildings over on the horizon. When the sun was there no more, and the stars slowly lit up the night sky, Bass retreated back to his room. He went to the fridge and opened the door. There stood a plastic pitcher of water.

*             *             *             *

"Why are there so many things reminding me of the past?" he wondered in idleness as he shook his head from the short daze after seeing the pitcher of water. "Maybe a glass of water will help me get to sleep," he said to himself.

Bass took the pitcher out, and behind it stood a can of coke.